Sunday, January 13, 2013

God --Grapes, Bunch of


I think it's probably pretty normal to imagine what God would be like if you met him. When I was a kid, I was fairly certain that God would be just like my Pap Pap Jay. Someone who would constantly offer you more food and drink if you were at his house, who wouldn't seem to believe you if you said you were full. Someone who would show up at your house with boxes of items from his garage, like '70s sherpa-lined vests or belt buckles, that he didn't need anymore, but he was sure you did. Someone who called you Pumpkin and hugged you a lot and always volunteered to help people with projects, whether the help was solicited or not.

As I got a little older, say sixth grade, I revised this picture a little bit. I now imagined God to be a mixture of my Pap Pap and my softball coach, Mr. Baier. Someone who always cheered you on, who wouldn't get angry or frustrated when you hit seventeen foul balls in a row, one of which denting a car in the parking lot. Someone who would give you good advice about the game, even if you could never seem to put it into action very well. Someone who always smiles and seems genuinely glad to see you.

You know what, come to think of it, I still think God is like this.


When I was younger, I always wanted to be a bunch of grapes for Halloween. I envisioned the costume consisting of many purple balloons attached to some type of purple leotard and tights, with a hat that looked like a stem. I think I got the idea from the Fruit of the Loom commercials of the day. I'm sure you remember these guys:

But, for some reason, my Mom never went for the idea. It wasn't because she didn't make homemade costumes, because she did. She once made me a bird costume with individual feathers cut out of felt and a Superwoman costume with real gold ropes, so it wasn't that. I guess I was just never able to convince her of the awesomeness of the bunch of grapes costume. And, I would make the costume for myself, but I still don't know how to blow up balloons.



  1. You know, I used to work at Rockefeller Center in NYC and one morning I was walking to work past the ice rink and I looked down and there were a bunch of those big human fruit skating around on the ice. A pineapple, some grapes and something else I forget now. I heard they were filming a commercial but I'd had margaritas (plural) the night before and well...let's say I was confused.

    Another time, same exact part of town, I walked up Rockefeller Plaza towards W. 51st Street, past a bunch of camels. It's like a portal to another dimension, Rockefeller Plaza. So what if the Christmas show was on at Radio City around the corner and what IF the wise men had camels? IT WAS MAGIC, DAMN IT.

    Okay, I'm going now...