Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Top 10 Home Movie Moments

I would hazard a guess that most people have some home movies hidden in the back of a closet that they hope never resurface.  There are just some phases of our lives that are too painfully embarrassing to ever have to relive, let alone with an audience.  Unfortunately, my family's most popular home movie catches me at some of my more awkward moments between the ages of 9 and 12.  My brother, on the other hand, is absolutely adorable in this because it captures his birthdays through the age of three.  Really, all video taping of children should stop at this age to prevent future embarrassments. 

This movie has been titled "The Patrick Movie" because, as I stated, it documents his early life.  But, the true entertainment is the supporting cast--the rest of my family.  My childhood friends have all seen this movie and even quote from it.  I have compiled here, for those of you who have not had the pleasure of viewing it, the top ten moments from "The Patrick Movie."

1. My Dad not only has a huge moustache throughout the movie, but he has a strange propensity for pointing out the exact date and time of every filming session.  He even goes so far as to video tape the clock, as if his word alone would not be credible enough.   You see, knowing that it was exactly 11:13 a.m. really informs your viewing experience.

2. As a newborn, there were two outstanding characteristics that defined my brother, Patrick: white and hairless (he was awfully cute too).  So why the following statement came out of my 9-year-old mouth, I'll never quite know. "He looks just like Tom Selleck!"  Believe me, he bore no resemblance to that hairy, tanned, Magnum, P.I. star, whatsoever.

3. My sister was the baby of the entire family until Patrick was born, and had held the title of "Baby Bridget" for about seven years.  She was none too thrilled to have the title stripped from her.  There is a scene in the movie where she is holding him in the hospital and then begins looking around to a seemingly empty room, saying, "Dad........Dad.......Dad......(becoming more increasingly urgent)......Dad.....Daddy, get him!"  My Dad was the one filming, so why he let that go on is another unsolved mystery.

4.  Whenever a filming episode took place where food was involved, my Dad also made a habit of filming everyone's plates and making us recite off what we were eating.  Riveting, I assure you.  On one such incident my sister mentioned that she had been eating roast beef, to which my Dad replied, "Well, where did it go?"  And, Bridget, in her sassiest 7-year-old voice, replied, "Where do you think it went?  Heaven?"  You don't bother Bridget with trivialities.

5.  My brother was a crier.  I'm talking non-stop, hour-long sessions a night.  And he apparently wasn't happy about being baptised because he cried through the whole ceremony, and, of course, we have it on tape.  We must have all been immune to his crying by then because while everyone else is looking nervous and slightly stressed, particularly the priest, we were nonplussed.  My sister can be seen in the background creeping up to the baptismal font and trying to stick her hand in it.  And, I am off to the side talking nonstop to poor Brother Michael (whom my Great-Grandma matter-of-factly told us was a lesbian, although I don't remember that coming up in our conversation).

6. Patrick's birthday is in February, and every year around this time, I seemed to be recovering from some terrible illness.  The year that I got a bad intestinal flu, which resulted in me puking my false tooth up and accidentally flushing it down the toilet, is captured in this home movie.  My Dad felt it necessary to film me lying in bed looking like the living dead.  But not only that, forcing me into laughing so that my new hillbilly look could be forever saved on film.

7.  Another year, I apparently was recovering from a bad head cold because I have the most annoying, high-pitched, nasal-sounding voice.  I aggravate everyone at the birthday party by filming each person for awkward amounts of time while saying (in said most annoying voice ever) things like, "Graaaannddmaaaa.....I'mm taaappping youuuuu."  Complete ear torture!

8. When Patrick was turning two, the only thing he would say he wanted on his cake was an "orange moo cow."  So, my mom got a cake with a huge, orange cow on it and he was thrilled.  When asked what piece he wanted, he responded, "whole big one!"  To add to this adorable moment, Bridget can be heard in the background yelling, "Yea, slaughter the cow!"  A true Hallmark moment.

9.  This is single-handedly the best piece of logic that I have ever heard.  Let me set the scene--Patrick is three and gesticulating toward our washer and drier.  "These are ROBOTS.  How can these robots be robots?  Because they're ROBOTS!"  Well, said.

10.  We are now at the end of the list and I have been putting off this particular item because I know for a fact that it will return to haunt me in twenty years.  It is the issue of my Mom's hair. I guess that frosted perms were all the rage at the time, but they just don't translate well to modern viewings.  The thing is that in this movie my Mom is about the same age as I am now.  I just know that my daughter Sophie will someday look at our home movies and make fun of my clothes and hair.  I just hope it is not on a blog for everyone to read.


  1. HYSTERICAL!! We don't have any home videos from when I was young, but this makes me wish that we did. So funny!! I hope my kids appreciate their movies when they are older.

  2. Great stuff, Gretch! Keep it coming!